Food Porn

Ew, not that kind of Food Porn. I just like food. A lot. Duh, I'm fat.

And I love food entertainment almost as much as I love food.

I love food writing. Just last weekend I bought It Must Have Been Something I Ate by the king of all food snobs, Jeffrey Steingarten (food writer for Vogue); and it was in the bargain rack fo $6 down from ~$30, so I was even happier. One of my recent favorite books are Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl. She used to be the food critic for the NYTimes and thereby arguably the most powerful person in NYC. It's a really funny and true book about how she would go to restaurants incognito (in burrito? Heh heh, Beavis you're a dumbass). Another good food book is Kitchen Confidential by Tony Bourdain. It revealed the dirty underbelly of NY restaurant kitchens, when it was still mostly a dirty crap job and not anything you would ever get famous from. You know Bourdain from his Food Network and Travel Channel shows. His show on Food Network was my all time favorite. He was honest and ate weird things from all over the world. I cannot stand food tv hosts who think that everything they eat is "Mmmmmmmm Yummy!" You know who I'm talking about (Rachel Ray!!!) Unfortunately, Bourdain's show was only on 0.5% of the time that Emeril BAM guy is on.

By the way, never buy Emeril's orange poppy seed marinade. Something about the smell of it made me want to vomit. Maybe the concentrated rind smell? Oh, and dispite the fact that I love Food Network, I cannot stand Mr. Lagasse. I NEVER understand what the hell he's alluding to when he says, "You know what I'm talking about". No, sir, I have NO IDEA! Quit mumbling!!!!

I like watching most people on the Food Network. I don't have cable so I savor every butter soaked minute of Food Network when I can. Alton Brown rocks because he's science geeky and even though he can be tendious, I learned how to make a damn fine pancake and learned almost everything I know about tea from him. Paula Dean is a HOOT! and I LOVE her, even though she once drank melted butter . I'm not sure whether to gag or cheer on that. All of the documentary type shows like the one that OCD Mark Summers hosts are pretty good; who doesn't like watching stuff getting made? I know my favorite part of Mr. Rogers was when he got that tape from Mr. McFeely and show us all how crayons are made in the factory. Mario Batali is really smart and informative, but DUDE, calm down. Take a breath. We're not going anywhere.

I skip over Emeril shows, especially the old ones where he has so much pale make up on he looks like a mime. Rachel Ray is really irritating but draws you in anyway,until you can't stand to hear her say "E.V.O.O." or "Chop it and Drop it" one more time. She's got jack o' lantern smile like Cameron Diaz, too. And speaking of people on FN with weird body parts, let's talk about Giada Delaurentis, shall we? She suffers from the same affliction Natalie Portman does. Both very pretty girls, petite frames, but...BIG HEAD and tiny hands. Unfortunately, Giada isn't as smart as Harvard grad Ms. Portman. On a recent Late Show with David Letterman, Giada didn't know where saffron came from. No, Giada, not the saffron flower. The stigma of the crocus sativa. Not to be confused with the autumn crocus from which mitotic spindle inhibitors, colcemid and colchicine, come from. Anyway, I'm not a big fan of Giada. I dont think she's that interesting. My mom hates her fake smile. Giada even flashes a fake smile after eating something she doesn't like.

Nevertheless, I'd kill to be a successful food critic or food host on the Food Network.

Seriously, I'd kill.

Please ask me to kill.